The silent struggles of an autistic woman
A lot of my energy is used to try and make others feel comfortable. I will shape shift as much as I can to take the form of a person that may be palatable to them. It would seem that we are social creatures and socialising is somewhat of a currency – if you’re good at it, you’ll make friends, you’ll build networks, you’ll have people to rely on in the inevitable tough times, or in-laws to win over and others to sing your praises to get you that promotion you’ve been eyeing up.
Who we are seems so defined by how others see us. But if I spend my life trying so hard to be the version of myself easy for my audience to accept, when will I get to be me?
Currently, I am me usually spending time with my siblings, parents, husband and friends I’ve known for more than 10 years or who I’ve lived with (that seems to break the ice). In these times I am able to dress how I want to, eat what I want to, decide how I want to spend the day, say what I want without thinking too much before. But this is a small number of people.
When you move to a new town, or you join a new family, or you start a new job, or become part of a new church, there is a lot of ‘new’ and ‘getting to know.’ There are a lot of first impressions, initial judgments, and social niceties to navigate. The prize is connection.
I am tired. Burnout is common. Often my weekends are spent wanting to be in bed but completing the life admin or feeling guilty about being in bed because of all the life admin there is to do. I need a lot more rest than a neurotypical person, because my brain works so much more manually and requires so much more energy. But how can I, when I need to keep up some resemblance of ‘normal’ to get myself through the weeks.
Diet culture is all the more difficult to navigate when you are sensitive to food textures. My openness to anything not considered a ‘safe food’ is dependent on how many meetings I have had at work. Squishy soft foods are a comfort to help me rebalance, but they don’t fit into the health and well-being quota. Similarly I know exercise is the holy grail, but when my energy is used up just existing, where do I find the extra for that? My energy levels are a complex mathematic equation that I haven’t quite yet mastered. This results in last minute cancelled plans and guilt in the potential fracture of relationships it causes, alongside the accompanying distress of a last minute change.
I struggle with seeing others who so naturally speak to people, and go places, and do things. So many times, I have said to myself, ‘I just need to be better, I want to be better, I don’t want to be me.’ Being me is a hard convoluted mixture of labels, extremities of emotion, high anxiety, and quiet fury. I am an oxymoron.
And yet, all this happens in the silence; inside my mind. Thoughts and experiences I struggle to verbalise, but which seep out through tense muscles and crying eyes. How am I supposed to communicate this, when I have a communication disability? How do I get others to take me seriously when it is my inadequacy that prevents their education? I write, and hope someone will read.
